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32 Hilarious Larry David Quotes That Are Applicable In Real Life

 Larry indecisive in Curb Your Enthusiasm.
Larry indecisive in Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Whether you consider him the master of confrontation or the biggest jerk in the world, Larry David has had quite a run on HBO’s Curb Your Enthusiasm. Over the course of 12 seasons, he has gotten involved in some ridiculous and wild scrapes (often recalling the greatness of Seinfeld), and it’s been a constant joy to watch him dig his way out. He’s not exactly what one should or could consider a role model, as he gets himself in trouble more often than not, but there is also no denying that the man has wisdom to share about life and plenty of great quotes that can help anyone navigate the madness of reality.

It’s in celebration of this particular gift that we’ve put together this feature. Larry David is one of modern pop culture’s most quotable characters, and here are 32 hilarious Curb Your Enthusiasm lines that are applicable in real life.

Larry has an idea in Curb Your Enthusiasm
Larry has an idea in Curb Your Enthusiasm

“Pretty good. Pret-tay pret-tay pret-tay good.”

This is, of course, the classic. If someone asks you how you are doing and you’re ever feeling particularly delightful that day, there is no better time to whip out this line.

“Hey, let me ask you something…”

Larry David has never let shyness get in the way of curiosity. If he meets an expert who has the ability to give him the upper hand in a situation, he will pursue that knowledge, and his great “in” for starting up a convo is this gem.

“Ok.”

This line doesn’t really translate by itself on the page, so let me set the scene: you’re with someone you don’t trust and you don’t believe the last thing they said. You squint your eyes and stare at them intently, pondering their true intentions while looking into their soul… and once you are satisfied, you unleash an, “Ok” with 19 metric tons of doubt.

“Let me just say this…”

Another repeated gem throughout the many seasons of Curb Your Enthusiasm. Larry David is never one to not share his opinion, and while his take is not always welcome, this is the perfect way to soft deliver any declarative statement by making it feel both exclusive and limited.

“I don't like talking to people I know, but strangers, I have no problem with.”

Sometimes the baggage of knowing a person for a long time can make meeting up with them exhausting. Strangers can be a mixed bag personality wise, but at the very least you can always whip out classic the convo standards with them if you’re trying to kill an evening.

Leon (JB Smoove) and Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm
Leon (JB Smoove) and Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm

“Hey, I may loathe myself, but it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm Jewish.”

This line from “Trick Or Treat” is admittedly really only quotable if you’re Jewish… which I just so happen to be. It’s a brilliant retort to a classic stereotype.

“I'll give you 10 dollars for a verbal response. 10 dollars. Anybody want to make 10 dollars and respond verbally? No?”

Getting help from strangers can be a nightmare, like when you have a flat tire and lack the ability to fix it like Larry does in Season 2’s “Thor.” If you’re ever feeling like the world is ignoring you, this is a line to deliver.

“I can't assume dry, I gotta assume wet!”

If someone sneezes right before shaking your hand, as Ben Stiller does to Larry in Curb Your Enthusiasm Season 4, you are totally within your right to not extend your arm. Nobody wants a palm full of snot!

“A lie is a gesture, it's a courtesy, it's a little respect. This is very disrespectful.”

If you’re ever planning on ditching plans with somebody, at least have the decency to make up some kind of excuse. Not saying anything – as we see in “Ted And Mary” – is just insulting.

“When I’m in social situations, I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure and I don’t have to shake hands.”

A drink is the ultimate party accessory. Not only does it mean you don’t have to shake hands, but a) you can always take a sip if you’re in need of a pause, and b) getting another drink is always a perfect excuse to leave a conversation.

Larry David grimacing on Curb your Enthusiasm
Larry David grimacing on Curb your Enthusiasm

“I’m trying to elevate small talk to medium talk.”

Ever feel conversation with a stranger is growing stale? Try taking a page from Larry’s book by throwing a more personal or intimate question into the mix and gauging the response. It might get you in trouble, but it also may improve your evening.

“He wanted to stop and chat with me - and I don't know him well enough for a stop and chat.”

Seeing somebody you know on the street – particularly someone who is more of an acquaintance than a friend – should not always require a conversation. Sometimes, a wave and a, “Hey!” is more than enough, as Larry properly argues in Season 2’s “The Massage.”

“An employee is told that the customer's always right and, in fact, the customer is usually a moron…”

Anyone who has ever worked in retail or the service industry can wholly relate to this Curb Your Enthusiasm quote. It’s good for employees to treat customers respectfully, but the reality is that a whole lot of customers are jerks who don’t actually deserve your respect.

“What is this compulsion to have people over at your house and serve them food and talk to them?”

This sentiment should be sewn into the crest of the Introvert Society. Proposed by Larry David in “AAMCO,” it’s arguably the question of our time.

“A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone.”

Following his divorce from Cheryl, Larry David rediscovers the horrors of the dating experience in the latter seasons of Curb Your Enthusiasm, and he well sums up that stressful nightmare here.

Larry shaking head in Curb Your Enthusiasm
Larry shaking head in Curb Your Enthusiasm

“I didn't mean to waste 12 seconds of your precious time.”

As a permanently anxious person, I can understand being stressed out, but this is a perfect line to throw out if someone gets huffy after you, say, accidentally press the wrong button in an elevator (as seen in Curb Your Enthusiasm’s “Larry vs. Michael J. Fox”).

“You know how bookstores make you feel stupid? Well health food stores make me feel really unhealthy.”

There’s no better way to feel shame about your food choices than to go into a health food store and see all of the good stuff that you’re not cooking/consuming.

“You know me, I don't like to complain.”

If you’re a complainer (as Larry David definitely is), this is a line to keep in your back pocket. Even if you have an established reputation, opening any complaint with this sentence at least throws a touch of doubt into the mix.

“I'd rather have the thieves than the neighbors – the thieves don't impose. Thieves just want your things, neighbors want your time.”

I’ll say this about thieves: at least they always have a “get in and get out” mentality. They may take your stuff and violate your space, but extended interaction and imposition is not specifically on their to-do list.

“I'm applying the golden rule, are you?”

When in doubt in an argument, if you can find yourself on the proper side of the golden rule – do unto others as you would have them do unto you – then you are, as you might say, golden.

Larry David on curb your enthusiasm
Larry David on curb your enthusiasm

“I don't really like the outdoors, you know. It's not a good place for bald people out there.”

There is specificity here, but for this writer, it again applies. If you have a full head of hair, appreciate the fact that you don’t have to put suntan lotion on your scalp the next time you head out for a hike.

“I can't wait to call my parents. They are gonna be so proud of me!”

You’re never too old to crave your parents' approval and pride. Larry David was in his 50s when he delivered this line in Season 2’s "Affirmative Action" – exclaimed after he figured out his car’s navigation system – and it’s 100% relatable.

“Nobody likes to fly. I don't even like to drive. And I don't like walking.”

Let’s be real: traveling and getting around kinda sucks. Larry David sums this up quite exquisitely in “Beloved Aunt.” Life is exhausting as it is without all the moving and doing stuff.

“It's completely unprofessional. And I know because my whole career's been based on being unprofessional.”

None of us are perfect… but it’s that understanding of our own lacking perfection that allows us to see the imperfections of others. It’s a gift and a curse.

“Why are you listening to me? I don't know what I'm talking about.”

This line from “Interior Decorator” is a perfect summation of adulthood. All of us are out here with expectations put upon us, but do any of us really know what the hell we’re talking about on any given day? If anyone is ever dumb enough to put their blind faith in you, that’s where this genius quote comes in handy.

Larry David wearing hat on Curb Your Enthusiasm
Larry David wearing hat on Curb Your Enthusiasm

“I hate people individually, but I love mankind.”

It’s easy to admire the human spirit and everything that our species has accomplished in our millions of years on Earth… but some people are just awful. To deconstruct a phrase, when it comes to people, it’s best to focus on the forest and not the trees.

“You took the middle?”

If you ever find yourself sitting down in an empty row of chairs, do us all a favor: don’t sit directly in the middle. As Larry David succinctly notes in the second season of Curb Your Enthusiasm’s eleventh season, it’s annoying how it limits the seating options for the next person to sit down.

“Don’t abuse the sampling privilege!”

If you’re at an establishment that lets you try before you buy, it’s the responsibility of the customer to not take advantage of the offer – and that’s especially true if your slow selection process is causing a line to develop behind you. When Larry sees a person abusing their sampling privilege in “The Funkhouser Roadside Memorial,” he doesn’t go about calling it out in the most tactful way, but he does express himself quotably.

“I need privacy; I need distance; I need to be alone.”

Everybody in the world defecates… and yet it’s universally accepted as a shameful act. It’s one of our society’s strangest eccentricities, but there’s also no denying that it’s a thing. As such, this sentiment expressed by Larry to a bathroom attendant in “The Ugly Section” is wholly understandable – and with all due respect to anyone who has that job, it’s a position that really shouldn’t exist.

“You don’t need to send me something to tell me you’re going to send me something. Just send it.”

I get that it’s nice to send out fancy mail in conjunction with a major life event, but I side with Larry David in the argument that “Save The Dates” are a complete waste as a tradition. Why bother sending out a message about marking calendars when an invite is on the way as well? Do people ever not get an invite after being told to save the date? It’s dumb, and Larry is a voice to recall and point to when discussing the subject.

Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm
Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm

“I respect wood.”

Wood is a material that was once a living thing and is often handled by talented artisans expressing their craft. With this in mind, one should respect wood – and while that may not have been a hugely popular notion before the “Seinfeld” episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm Season 7, it’s now a point of pride to declare whenever you see someone carelessly create a ring stain.

“I don’t like a purposeless walk”

I’ll happily walk so that I can get some exercise or to get to some place that is in my area or to spend time with friends… but to walk without purpose? To go outside and just amble around the streets with no aim? I don’t know why anyone would ever do that, and Larry David expresses as much in hilarious fashion in “The Mini Bar.”