Yahoo Finance 5 Signs of Narcissistic Abuse and How You Can Get Help
Narcissistic abuse is a form of domestic abuse that is similar to wider emotional abuse and coercive control. But what makes narcissistic abuse different, what are the signs to look out for, and how can you get help and move on? This is everything you need to know.
What is narcissistic abuse?
Narcissistic abuse is any kind of domestic abuse that is carried out by somebody with narcissistic traits - meaning that their narcissistic behaviour will impact the way they behave towards you. 'This abuse could be physical, financial, emotional or sexual,' explains Ammanda Major, a relationships counsellor and Head of Clinical Practice and Service Quality at Relate.
'Usually, the goal of the abuser is to manipulate, control and instil a sense of worthlessness in the other person,' explains Ammanda. This can mean that the tactics used are similar to that of coercive control, says Bree Bonchay, a psychotherapist and founder of World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day.
To understand narcissistic abuse, it's helpful to understand what a narcissist is and how they think. 'A narcissist will often appear confident when underneath they lack self-worth and have trouble handling anything they perceive as criticism. They often have an excessive need for attention and want to create a sense of superiority over the other person,' explains Ammanda, and this will affect the tactics that they use to control you.
Who can be an abuser?
An important thing to remember with any kind of domestic abuse is that it doesn't always need to come from an intimate partner, though this is the most common. A narcissistic abuser could also be a parent, family member, boss, colleague, or 'friend', explains Dr Sarah Davies, a counselling psychologist and author of Never Again: moving on from narcissistic abuse and other toxic relationships.
What are the signs that you’re experiencing narcissistic abuse?
Narcissistic abuse is often 'invisible,' and there may be not physical evidence of it like cuts or bruises, explains Dr Davies. 'This means nobody else, aside from the victim, sees or suspects it, and it can be so manipulative that victims can be unsure that they are experiencing abuse,' Dr Davies adds. However, these are some of the signs you can look out for.
1/ Gaslighting
Gaslighting is when somebody manipulates you to make you doubt your own sanity. Self-doubt in itself is also a big sign of narcissistic abuse, says Bree, and could indicate that you're being gaslit. 'You might find it difficult to make decisions, trust your own judgement and you question much of your behaviour," Bree explains. The person might also criticise, undermine, and put you down in subtle or indirect ways, explains Dr Davies, and this can make it difficult to spot.
2/ They control what you do
'An abuser might tell you what you can and can't do, and who you can and can't see,' explains Ammanda. This can also be done covertly. 'They might subtly make hints about your friends or social group as a way to isolate you,' says Dr Davies. 'For example, they say, 'You're too good for those friends,' or question why you're friends with them.'
'They might also guilt trip you into doing things their way," Dr Davies adds, 'or they'll provoke anxiety and scare you into submission.'
3/ They act aggressively
'Disagreements are normal in a healthy relationship. However, abuse is not a disagreement,' says Women's Aid. It's important to recognise the difference between a healthy argument and your partner being aggressive towards you. For example, any threats of violence, especially those which are used to control your behaviour, are a sign of abuse, says Women's Aid.
4/ They make you feel like it's your fault
'Narcissists never take responsibility for their actions. They might tell you you're being too sensitive, overreacting, imagining things, or will blame you and others for their abusive actions,' says Dr Davies. 'For example, they might be unfaithful to you and say, "Well, if you didn't do X, then I wouldn't have to cheat." '
This can make it really difficult to seek help as you might deny or doubt your own perception of things, Dr Davies adds. But this in itself is a big sign that something is wrong.
5/ You feel reliant on them
'Victims often feel reliant on their abuser who will have worked hard to make them feel unable to function away from the abusive relationship,' says Ammanda, and this can make it especially hard to leave an abusive situation. But if that's the case, know that there are always ways to get help.
What to do if you're experiencing narcissistic abuse
If you're experiencing narcissistic abuse, or any other kind of domestic abuse, it's important to speak to somebody about it. And even if you're not sure what's going on, you should still talk through what it is you're experiencing. You can contact:
The National Domestic Abuse helpline, run by Refuge, for free 24 hours a day on 0808 2000 247.
Government guidance on domestic abuse, which includes helplines in different languages.
Contact Women's Aid via email: helpline@womensaid.org.uk
Find your local Women's Aid service here.
Contact the Women's Aid Survivors' Forum to speak to people who have experienced the same thing.
The Men’s Advice Line (0808 8010327) provides support for men.
If you're in immediate danger, make sure to call 999.
How to move on from narcissistic abuse
After immediately seeking help, it's important to envisage ways to move on in the future. These are things that you could try.
Speak to a counsellor
'It can feel difficult to open up about abuse, but talking about it with a trained counsellor can help you work through the trauma and move on with your life,' explains Ammanda. Services like the Domestic Abuse Helpline and counselling services like Relate can support you and point you towards specific therapies for your needs.
Join a support group
As well as speaking to a professional or a friend, sometimes it's more helpful to speak to people who have been through the same thing and understand, so joining a support group can be a positive step. Women's Trust provide group therapy, or speak to the charity you contact about groups in your area.
Practice self-care
In the long term, self-care is an important habit to get into to help you heal. 'Practising self-care, working on your self-esteem and learning about healthy boundaries and communication in a relationship can help you to heal from an abusive situation,' Dr Davies suggests, and it can be something to make a permanent part of your life.
Other therapies
You might find that you also want to try other therapies to help you heal. 'A lot of people who experience narcissistic abuse actually have symptoms of trauma or PTSD,' explains Dr Davies, 'so something like EMDR therapy which is recommended for PTSD could be helpful.' However, you should always speak to a professional about this first.
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