Yahoo Finance Fathers Are More Present than Ever, but Why Are There Still so Few Stay-At-Home Dads?
Craig Cooper became a full-time stay-at-home dad five years ago, taking on the role of primary caregiver to their baby daughter while his wife focused on building the family business. So far, so normal, or so it should have been. “There were a couple of conversations where I was questioned what it was I was doing all day, which I found extraordinary, as I know there’s no way they’d have asked my wife that,” he recalls. “My role was certainly questioned – sometimes light-heartedly, but at other times with definite meaning between the lines.”
Men are more hands-on than ever when it comes to childcare. Research by the Family and Parenting Institute indicates the amount of time dads spend actively engaging with their kids has increased by 200% since the 1970s. But despite that, women continue to take on the lion’s share of responsibilities during a child’s early years.
Recent analysis by EMW found that just 176,000 fathers took paternity leave between April 2020 and 2021 – the lowest rate in a decade – while the number of stay-at-home fathers (SAHFs) actually decreased by 15% between 2017 and 2018. Uptake of the UK’s Shared Parental Leave (SPL) scheme meanwhile, which was introduced in 2015 and allows eligible couples to share statutory maternity leave, sits at a miserly 2%.
Are we missing something? None of this appears reflective of fathers’ interest in sharing early years’ childcare responsibilities. The 2020 Modern Families Index found over 60% of men are more inclined to work for employers who offer shared parental leave and flexible working options. While the State of the World’s Fathers Report revealed 85% of fathers are willing to do "whatever it takes” to be involved in the early stages of their newborn's life.
So if it's not a lack of effort or desire that's preventing dads from taking a more active role in their children's lives, what exactly is going on?
One Is the Loneliest Number
While the last few decades have seen a shift away from traditional views of ‘what being a man is’, stereotypes still exist. “Research on SAHFs shows they continue to face constraints in terms of stigma, social isolation and peer pressure to be earning,” explains Esther Dermott, professor of Sociology and Social Policy at the University of Bristol.
Damion Founde (aka ‘The Northern Dad’) became a full-time SAHF in 2020. He explains how, like Cooper, he's experienced the negative stereotypes associated with being a stay-at-home dad. “The biggest misconception I hear and see is that ‘it’s not a dad’s job’,” he says. But “it’s not a job, it’s not ‘looking after’, it’s just being a dad.”
{{ this.render( "@app/views/shared/embed-accessibility-text.twig", { embedName: "Instagram", })|raw}}
{% verbatim %}
{% endverbatim %}
Cooper's wife Sarah is of the opinion that, "if you’re doing what works for you and your family, then it’s nobody else’s place to judge that.” But it's important to note that stay-at-home dads, like Cooper and Founde, don't just have to deal with other people's opinions, they also have to overcome their own misgivings.
“Especially to start with, I was a bit reticent to go to playgroups because I was the only guy,” says Cooper. “Some were fine, but [at] others I wasn’t very welcomed. In the end, I knew I just had to bite the bullet...[but] it would definitely help if there was another bloke or two there.”
“Feeling like the only guy in lots of different spaces, [is something] I completely identify with,” says Neil Mosley, a part-time SAHF. “At kids birthday parties, it’s not necessarily that people look at you and think, ‘he’s a guy, that’s weird, I’m not going to talk to him.’ It’s more that the relationships between mums are quite well established, so it’s not that different to walking into a situation where you don’t really know anybody. I don’t think it’s necessarily deliberate or malicious.”
Founde is also very aware of the gender divide in child-led social situations. “Luckily, I’ve had positive experiences,” he notes. “However, I do notice in the playground when there are groups of mums chatting, many dads stand separately. Some appear embarrassed or out of place. I can understand why, to a point.”
Feeling isolated was what convinced Rich Adlington, a part-time SAHF, to develop his own support network following the birth of his first son. “I’d never been around babies, so I started a ‘dad’s club’ on Saturday mornings with my friends,” he reveals. “Blokes can spend time with their kids, and we might have a coffee or lunch in the pub. We could have a safe space to rant about something or talk about what was frustrating us.”
Cooper agrees that it's important to maintain social interactions where possible. “Even before Covid…I was a bit claustrophobic being in the house all day and not talking to anyone. That had a bit of an emotional impact, being on my own a bit more,” he recalls. “I’d try to visit the pub once or twice a week, just to get out.”
Mind the Gap
But the scant number of stay-at-home dads isn't just a result of social stigma and playground antics. “In the UK, there is little evidence of political will or high-level initiatives to make [childcare equality] a priority,” reveals Dermott. “Our employment and childcare support structures do not make it easy to combine a career and childcare unless you have significant financial resources or wider family support.”
A glaring divide remains between men and women in the workplace, particularly in terms of pay. In 2020, the average UK man took home £33,923, while the average woman earned £27,981 – an 18% difference. For many households where the man is the higher earner, losing such a proportion of income is not a viable (or particularly appealing) option, which is why often the man goes back to work and the woman takes on childcare duties. Ad infinitum.
This is also one reason why adoption of SPL has been low. Employers are not obliged to ‘top-up’ the statutory shared parental pay rate (currently £151.97 per week or 90% of your wage, whichever is less) to match an individual’s regular salary.
“There are lots of employers who would top-up maternity leave to pay better than the statutory rate for women, but wouldn’t do the equivalent for the father,” says Dr Jeremy Davies from The Fatherhood Institute. “We must get dads taking time off in the first year in a way that is affordable for them to do so. That’s the only way we stand any chance of equalising the current imbalance.”
Yet, concerns extend beyond bank accounts. Employers' policies and office cultures also prevent men from seeking time off or asking to work flexibly so they can look after their children. “Parental leave and flexible working are talked about as if they are only for women,” Davies says.
Mosley notes that being self-employed is the only reason he and his wife were able to manage their splitting of childcare. “We’re both freelance and able to work from home, and that was one of the key things in terms of being able to [go 50/50],” he says.
However, he does recognise not all are afforded such an opportunity. “Sometimes, these things get reported that everyone is in a knowledge-worker job and can stay at home. But that’s not the reality of life. I’m not working in a kitchen or restaurant.”
The Lockdown Effect
The pandemic could be the inadvertent push needed to encourage more SAHFs, particularly on a part-time or equal-split basis. Covid-19 lockdowns saw millions of fathers take on significantly more childcare duties, and research from The Fatherhood Institute found 76% of dads want to adopt more flexible working hours to continue doing so.
For some, this desire was quickly realised: Patrick Woods, a part-time SAHF, was made redundant during the pandemic and subsequently decided to launch his own business. “One reason I set up my own consultancy was so I could spend more time with the kids,” he says. “I think what [lockdown] has done is open up different views about what a work-life balance should be about, especially when you’ve got children.”
Mosley adds that, “to a certain extent”, lockdown spurred he and his wife’s decision to start splitting childcare. “Even though [before lockdown] I wasn’t working crazy hours, I missed a big chunk,” he states. “When I got home, it was almost time for them to go to bed. Although lockdown had its challenges for everybody, being able to see them was great.”
While this shift is undoubtedly a move in the right direction, it must be sustained as life gets back to ‘normal’ if lasting change is to occur. “The pandemic, despite its negative effects, may have prompted such shocks to the organisation of work and care that it opens up the possibility for more progressive arrangements,” notes Dermott. “The question is whether changes will persist in the longer term.”
Looking Ahead
There are no quick fixes to the gender divide in childcare, and the factors that limit the numbers of stay-at-home dads are very much intertwined. “Unless you take seriously the infrastructure change [required], then the attitudinal change that needs to go alongside that will never happen,” says Davies.
Thankfully, some companies are already initiating policies that provide fathers with more equal parenting opportunities and demonstrating to others this can be achieved.
Netflix’s parental policy is taglined "Take care of your baby and yourself" and allows both fathers and mothers up to a year’s leave at full pay. Etsy, meanwhile, offers 26 weeks of fully paid leave that can be taken within the two years following the child’s birth. Aviva provides all new parents with a full year’s parental leave, including the first six months at full pay, and as a result, the company says, "the number of men and women [at Aviva] taking leave is almost equal."
But it's not just employers who have to evolve, the media also plays a key role in enforcing attitudes and beliefs about the father’s responsibilities, and according to Woods: “Society is being driven by how the media communicates what is the ideal family set up.”
This is a statement Cooper agrees with. “I remember there was one article where Piers Morgan was having a go at Daniel Craig, because he was carrying his child in a sling and [Morgan] said it wasn’t masculine,” he says. “[And] that happily gets splashed across the front pages and social media.”
We should stop underestimating just how much being able to take on greater responsibilities means to many fathers. “It’s always had its frustrations, as any parenting role does,” Cooper shares. “But I think I’ve been incredibly lucky. It’s a privilege and I’ve always been proud of it.”
You Might Also Like
