Yahoo Finance 25 Of The Funniest Tweets About Married Life (Nov. 16 - Nov. 30)
Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
And somehow, the spouses of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life and sum it up perfectly in no more than 280 characters.
Every other Monday, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous two weeks. Read on for 25 relatable new ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
DATING TEXT: send a pic of what you’re wearing right now
MARRIAGE TEXT: send a pic of the exact kind of bone broth i’m supposed to pick up— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) November 29, 2020
Is it mean to get my husband a gift I know he won't like so that I can have it
— Sarah Cooper (@sarahcpr) November 25, 2020
A marriage license requirement should be 24 hours of just listening to your significant other slurp their soup
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) November 28, 2020
If my wife doesn't win anything on this $2 scratch ticket, it's going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) November 20, 2020
Husband: *hand inside turkey*
Me: Would you two like some privacy?— Jingle Bell Jawbreaker 🎄 (@sixfootcandy) November 26, 2020
My wife got upset when I asked her to take out the lavender scented trash bag, proving that lavender doesn’t have any calming effect
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) November 18, 2020
Good morning to everyone except my husband. He farted me awake.
— Felicia (@LostFelicia) November 16, 2020
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, "Play with us!" from my kids and "STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!" from my wife.
[Sigh]— A Bearer Of Dad News ✊🏾 (@HomeWithPeanut) November 19, 2020
Marriage foreplay be like...
I just watched my wife finger an ice cube out of the ice dispenser in the freezer door.
...ITS SO FUCKING ON LATER.— Lezz Mom🌈 (@lezzimomof2) November 24, 2020
One of my superpowers pissing my wife off by asking rhetorical questions.
— Forward March (@RunOldMan) November 28, 2020
Two people can interpret the same thing differently. When I see a basket at the bottom of the stairs, I instinctively bring it upstairs. When my husband sees a basket at the bottom of the stairs, he instinctively walks past it for the next 6 months.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 21, 2020
Wife: I just saw a spider in the bath!
Me: Good for him, self-care is important.
Wife:
Me:
Me:…yeah I’ll go take it outside— The Dad (@thedad) November 18, 2020
One of my favorite holiday traditions is going to bed before my husband who then has to turn off all the holiday lights and displays all throughout the house.
— 🎄♥️ Marissa 💚🎄 (@michimama75) November 23, 2020
Question: when your marriage counselor starts eating popcorn during your zoom session is that insulting or kinda flattering
— Sarah Cooper (@sarahcpr) November 27, 2020
At what age do boys stop getting shampoo in their eyes when they shower because my husband is 37...
— S A R A B U C K L E Y (@nottheworstmom) November 20, 2020
Here’s a marriage tip, if you need a new can opener just get a new can opener. Don’t give one to your wife for Christmas.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 20, 2020
wife: how’s that project going
me: just waiting for the caulk to harden
wife: you and me both— Josh the Alwrighty (@Tryptofantastic) November 19, 2020
I told my husband he doesn’t have to get me a Christmas gift so he’d better get me a Christmas gift.
— Jingle Bell Jawbreaker 🎄 (@sixfootcandy) November 19, 2020
Do you guys have assigned seating at your house? Like you and your significant other always sit in the same spot? Well, we did for years and I just changed my spot and the different perspective is refreshing and also confusing to my husband so win/win.
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) November 16, 2020
my wife bought a painting at an antique store for $10. She looked it up and it's worth $500. I want the $500. She wanted to keep it. So we compromised and I hung it on the wall today while crying.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) November 29, 2020
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it's only been 4 days, but I'm starting to think he might be wrong.
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) November 24, 2020
I got my wife a tile to find her wallet and phone and she was so insulted by it, but I’ve heard her using it every day this week 🙃
— lucy bexley🌈 (@bexley_lucy) November 28, 2020
Either my wife and I think too much alike, or CVS really needs to expand their anniversary card selection. pic.twitter.com/m5BG3uknFr
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) November 23, 2020
Marriage be like:
Me: I'd like to have sex with you when we get home.
Him: Oooh, and you need to pluck the hairs on my mole.— Black Lives Matter Betty (@EzMacArt) November 26, 2020
Me: *points* There’s an open spot right there.
And there...
And there...
And over there...
Ok, I guess you see one.
Husband: *parks in the spot farthest from where we’re going*— Jingle Bell Jawbreaker 🎄 (@sixfootcandy) November 16, 2020
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This article originally appeared on HuffPost and has been updated.
