Yahoo Finance Gyms have reopened. Now what do I do?
Many of us have forgotten how to behave in social environments, including gyms. Fear not: John Carroll is here to guide you:
1.Take a dress test
There is a dress code. If you are heading for the weights area, the muscle top is a no-no. You are a runner and, therefore, you should count yourself lucky if your arms can be seen from a distance of more than three metres. Most people believe we only use them for wearing GPS watches and, at a push, lifting plastic cutlery.
2. Top form
Also avoid wearing your running singlet. It will look like a muscle top.
3. Get the lowdown
If you approach a workout bench and cannot remember how to raise or lower it, just drop something on the floor, say ‘Oh no, I’ve dropped something!’ and have a good look under the bench when you are down there. On no account should you pretend you are doing a press-up. You could be there all day.
4. Know your limits
Do not copy the workout moves of other people in the gym. Many of them have what is known as ‘good technique’, which you cannot develop by doing arm curls with tins of beans in your front room while guessing how much the chipped Edwardian egg cup will go for on Bargain Hunt.
5. Here’s a tip: Don’t
You may wish to offer tips on running form to people using treadmills. Do not: some of these people are only using the treadmill as a respite from juggling 16kg kettlebells. They will not take kindly to being told to relax their arm swing, as their arms do not move backwards.
6. Surface tension
When you wipe down a surface, do not:
Whistle cheerfully
Look for the furniture polish. You’re not at home and it’s not the 1980s
Use your fingernail to scrape off that stubborn speck. It could be anything. Anything…
7. Spot the idiot
If someone in the weights area asks you to ‘spot’ them, do not run to the far side of the gym and call out, ‘Yes, I can see you over there...under that barbell.’
8. Keeping up appearances
There is a good chance you will climb into or onto a weights machine the wrong way. When this happens, you must style it out. For example, if you position your shoulders against the plate in the leg press, and your feet where your body should be, simply perform a rep of some kind, then tut loudly – because this is just too easy – add more weight and proceed with all the manufactured confidence you can muster. Other runners may be watching (see point 3), but they are not your problem. It is very clear that you are your problem.
9. Have some flex appeal
Using the Swiss ball to do sit-ups? Do not lean backwards over the ball so your head almost touches the ground. You are not in Cirque du Soleil. More importantly, from this position, you will be unable to phone for an ambulance.
10. Under the influencer
You may see some gym users taking selfies while adopting uncomfortable poses. Do not do this. You are not an influencer. You do not even know what an influencer is.
11. Saving face
It is not advisable to wear makeup in the gym; however, it has become what is known in the business as ‘a thing’. Show some restraint: if your eyelashes are longer than your fingers, it’s probably time to go home.
12. A moment of reflection
You can only get away with admiring yourself in a mirror if you pretend you are ensuring your form is correct when lifting weights. Walking past the mirror and winking does not count.
13. Wash and go
If you decide to use the showers and changing facilities, the usual civilities apply. In addition:
The waterproof radio stays at home
Do not bring your mini Aesop shampoo. You will leave it in the shower, someone will use it and then your entire week is ruined
Never forget: athlete’s foot does not mean you have the foot of an athlete
Vacate the premises instantly if you hear the words ‘I saw someone do this at a burlesque show once. Pretty sure I can manage it. Hold my glasses and give me some room.’
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