Yahoo Finance Picnic panic? ‘The trickiest bit is remembering how to act around other people’
We’re allowed to have picnics! What a thrill.
But wait, how do they work again?
It’s OK if the thought of sitting in a circle and interacting with other humans feels a little daunting. We’re all out of practice. It’s sort of like the first day of year 7, but with more airborne disease.
The stress of choosing the park and the correct food and drink is one thing. Don’t even get me started on managing the weather – I know we have apps for that now, but there is still a little bit inside of all of us that thinks “but it won’t rain on me”. The trickiest bit is remembering how to act around other people. Unlike the podcast hosts who you’ve accidentally forged parasocial relationships with, your picnic pals will actually respond when you talk to them. What if they ask you a question? The possibility is too terrifying to bear.
As a refresher on the art of socialising, here are some tips if you get stuck.
Discussing culture
To get the conversation going, say “Sally Rooney?” like you’re posing a question and your friend has just missed the start of the sentence. Hopefully they will just keep talking and provide an opinion. If they say “Yes … what about her?” simply reply “You tell me!” and look at them with a raised eyebrow.
Go around the circle and tell everyone which Succession character they most remind you of. Everyone will be offended in the end, but that’s just what happens when you hang out with your friends. (Isn’t it? It’s very hard to remember.)
Related: No picnic: what to do when your one freedom is not your idea of fun | Paul Daley
Google “hobbies” before you go on your picnic, so when someone asks “What have you been doing?” you can say something like “pottery” instead of thinking for a very long time and then saying “watching the TikTok videos my sister texts me” or “crying”. Don’t worry, no one will ask for evidence of your hobby.
If you’ve ever toyed with the idea of an identity change, this is the time to try it out. Ever wanted to be the sort of person who says “Ciao!” without being Italian? Fancied trying out a Mancunian accent that makes you sound like a lost Gallagher brother? This is the perfect opportunity. No one remembers what you’re like!
The food and drink question
When selecting cheeses for your picnic charcuterie platter, don’t panic yourself trying to predict what cheese will satisfy every palate at your gathering. Instead ask yourself “when it starts to rain, which cheeses will be easiest to squish together to create a makeshift rain cap?”.
Be careful that you don’t get too excited and drink approximately five times the amount of drinks you had planned on consuming. Be particularly wary if you’ve brought chic alcoholic seltzers with you – they taste like fruity air and seem to disappear quicker than you can say “I arrived at this picnic wearing shoes, right?”
If you run out of things to talk about and it’s getting a bit awkward, just start reading out the label on the bottle of wine you brought. “I wonder what ‘natural wild yeast ferment’ means?” you might ask. If any of your friends actually knows the answer, you can spend the rest of the picnic teasing them.
Lastly, do not get offended if no one wants to eat your sourdough or your banana bread. We’ve all been feasting like pantry weevils for months, which means that a bready mouthfeel doesn’t seem that luxurious at the moment. There’s only so much doughy paste that our digestive systems can hack. Try a strawberry! Why not?
Reconnecting with friends
If you suddenly get overwhelmed by the demands of the conversation, fake an attack of the sneezes until this dread passes. Does that mean, hypothetically, you could be sneezing for 20 minutes straight? Yes! Blame it on hay fever in your inevitable apology text later that night.
If you ask someone a question and they glaze over and mutter “I can’t remember” – do not challenge them. There have been days in lockdown where you have forgotten your address, your age, whether you showered that day – have some compassion. Politely nod and change the subject to French submarines.
Related: Building a brilliant picnic kit: from free-cycled ice boxes to fancy blankets
Don’t make the mistake of thinking that the things your household has found interesting in lockdown are relevant to people who don’t live in your home. Your friends might not think The Matrix-themed narrative that you and your partner have created about the mouse infestation in your apartment complex is as charming as you do. If they ask “why have you brought twenty mice in tiny leather trench coats to the picnic?” just ignore them.
Avoid bragging to your old friends about a new friend you’ve made, because there’s a great chance that you’ll get halfway through this story only to remember that your “new friend” is actually Adam Liaw, a person who you have never met but who you talk at most enthusiastically while watching The Cook Up with Adam Liaw every night on TV. You’ve been radicalised by SBS Food.
Remember to tell everyone about how you don’t even really like picnics and then pretend not to be offended when they stop inviting you to their picnics.
