Secrets to Sending the Perfect First Message on a Dating App

It’s hard out here in these streets. And these sheets. Whether you’re trying to find a casual encounter, a friend with benefits or something more serious, you’re probably doing it on one (or more!) of the many dating and hookup apps out there. Thirty percent of adults in the United States have used dating apps, and the good bulk of them are Millennials and Gen Zers. When it comes to people's success rates, the numbers can feel daunting. A 2016 study showed that men have a 0.6% match rate on Tinder, whereas women have closer to a 10% match rate. In general, the study found that men (no matter their sexuality) are more likely to be active swipers, and women are more active participants in dating apps. So, if you’re a guy who puts more effort into messaging rather than swiping, you’re already a step ahead of the rest!

But how do you stand out from the crowd? How do you up the chances that your desire-of-the-day will reply when you message them first? That’s where we come in. We asked folks who frequent Tinder and other dating apps what they believe the best practices are when it comes to sending that all-important first message, and here’s what they’ve had to say.

These are 25 DOs and DON'Ts for dating app first messages.

For more on making the most of your dating app experience, check out our guides to writing the ultimate Tinder bio and taking the perfect photo for your profile.

This is a common message a lot of people send. It makes sense, because that’s how we’re told to greet folks. However, it’s important to understand that when you’re online, the rules are different. Sam, 35, claims these opening lines are her biggest dating app pet peeve. “It's boring and puts that person on the bottom of the list of people I'll respond to,” she admits. So put some feeling in it! Or, at least add some emojis.

Sorry to disappoint the pick-up artist wannabes. If you say something negative about someone in an effort to get their attention, it’s just childish and most likely going to get you unmatched and/or blocked. Take it from Andy, 34, who says, “Kindness is always the best way to move. Kindness includes honesty around capacity and intention, so make sure you’re aware of those as you start dating!”

And to contrast the last point, don’t fawn all over someone before you even get to know them! Not to toot my own horn, but I’ve gotten so many messages from folks who tell me that I’m everything they want in the world. It’s a nice sentiment, BUT it’s incredibly off-putting. Don’t get ahead of yourself and create an image of a person just because you like their photos or profile.

This gives someone NOTHING to work with, and it’s a bit childish. Use your words!

This is one of the biggest red flags. When you go straight into an introduction of a sexual nature, you’re not giving someone the option to consent to that behavior. So cool it down! Good things come to those who wait.

Nobody wants to open their app looking to flirt and connect, only to be faced with the current political hellscape we’re assaulted by day-in-and-day-out. Politics are important, for sure! But maybe don’t start a message with, “Hey, how do you feel about the Black Lives Matter Movement?” unless you’re trying to find recruits for the cause.

It’s hard to say “yes” to a date to someone you’ve barely interacted with, and a date is a real time commitment! This method can come up a bit presumptuous and off putting, so save it for after you’ve developed a rapport.

You want to keep messages short and sweet. Don’t format a message like a letter or an email. Keep it casual and preferably under a few sentences. Nobody likes to be hit with a huge wall of text right away.

A canned intro is easy to spot from a mile away! Folks want to feel special. Using the same intro for everyone can end up with your match feeling insulted.

If someone doesn’t reply, take that as their answer. Don’t message them a dozen times asking them why they won’t respond. Don’t message them trying new, creative ways to get their attention. Just let it go and let it be their loss.

When asked what gets them to reply to a message, 26-year-old Jet says, “Jokes! Always jokes. I will entertain even the slimiest of messages if it inspires laughter—maybe not directly, but I’d at least share it with a friend.” And that seems to be supported by the 90% of dating profiles that say they like “dark humor."

Listen, we put words in our profile expecting them to be read! So pay attention! Gabi, 27, says, “I always reply to people who show [that] they looked at my pictures/profile and say something directly related to them and specific to me.”

When you’re earnest and genuine in your intro, it really shines true. On dating apps, it often feels like a bunch of folks are vying for your attention. It’s really touching when someone seems genuinely interested in getting to know you! Here are some examples:

• “Hey! I’m so happy we matched. I really liked ______ about your profile and it made me want to get to know you.”

•“Wow, I’m excited we connected! I was hoping to get a chance to ask you about (something in their profile).”

Nobody expects you to have the MLA Handbook on deck. However, do try to avoid spelling errors. It’s best practice to give your first message a re-read before you hit “send." (Make sure you're spelling their name right!)

Vulnerability is the tie that connects us all. Now, I’m not talking “you remind me of my ex-girlfriend” style vulnerability. That might be a little scary. Something more like, “Wow you’re so cute I don’t even know what to say” can work! Exposing yourself in an emotional way is endearing and can go a long way!

Don’t feel creepy for scoping out their profile! That’s why it’s there! If you share a mutual interest or hobby with your match, there’s your in! Try to come with enthusiasm, but don’t get too specific just in case their interest in something doesn’t match yours. Try something like:

•“I saw that you like anime in your profile! I have to know... what’s your go-to genre?”

•“Wow, I’m so happy to connect with someone who also likes _________. When did you get into it?”

“How are you” is a bad one because it can elicit a one-word answer. When you ask slightly-vague open-ended questions, it gives you space to learn a lot about someone! The idea is to find a point of connection that will get the conversation flowing. Here are some examples:

•“What keeps you busy most days?”

•“What’s your favorite thing ever right now?”

•“What’s your ideal night in? What’s your ideal night out?

Kyra, 27, likes when folks express interest in her day. She says, “It makes me feel as if they value the space I'm in.” Remember that the person on the other side of the app is just that: a person. When you treat someone like they matter, they’re more likely to respond.

Compliments are great when it comes to dating app intros. However, we gotta remember that we’re reaching out to folks on a digital platform. Everything one can sense from a physical approach (swagger, presence, voice, confidence) is not there. So “hey beautiful” might work at the bar, but it’s too generic for a dating app.

So try to be unique. Someone with green eyes probably always gets complimented for their green eyes. If you’re trying to stand out, don’t compliment the first thing that draws you to a person. Try something like this:

•“Okay, I bet everyone tells you how nice your eyes are…but that smile? Whew!”

•“You really won out on the genetic lottery with (insert feature), didn’t you?”

We all want to be told we’re hot. But how amazing is it when someone gives you a compliment that’s touching? Take a look at the tone of the way someone has written their profile. If they seem chipper, or genuine, or evoke another emotional response, let them know! Try something like:

•“Wow, your profile is so genuine! It makes me really want to get to know you. Tell me how your week is going.”

A compliment that makes someone chuckle or gasp will often elicit a response. Tossing out a dad joke or being a little fresh is always fun. There’s a line to toe with the latter, but my favorite way to catch a particularly attractive person’s attention is by telling them our combined hotness may allow us to take over the world. It’s a nice ego boost.

At the end of the day, dating apps are supposed to be fun! Whatever you’re aiming to get out of the experience, try not to take it too seriously. Sometimes, you’ll come up with a really good line and your match still won’t be interested. That’s okay! There are a million ways to say hello and you’ve just got to find the one that works for you.