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Jon Holmes: ‘One daughter is funnier than the other, but I can’t say which’

·2-min read

The funniest standup I’ve ever seen …

As a kid, Billy Connolly’s Billy and Albert video was never far from the player.

Related: The Guide: Staying In – sign up for our home entertainment tips

The funniest book I’ve ever read …

Got to be the instruction manual for my printer. Packed full of jokes like: “Connects seamlessly via the app.”

The funniest person I know …

My daughters, jointly, aged 11 and eight. Actually one is funnier than the other, but I can’t say which one because they are also vengeful.

The funniest item of clothing I’ve ever owned …

Black-and-white leopard-print trousers. No leopards died in the making of this fashionable apparel.

The funniest meal I’ve ever eaten …

You’ve heard of pick-your-own strawberries? In Papua New Guinea, a local tribe took me upriver in a dug-out canoe to pick my own crocodile to eat. It wasn’t so much the meal that was funny as the live crocodile that jumped in the boat. It was only funny afterwards. Not for the crocodile. Sorry, vegans.

The funniest hairstyle I’ve ever had …

In 1986 I decided that Tom Cruise’s short back and sides military haircut in Top Gun was for me. The local barber said it would take a perm to make my hair do that. I foolishly believed him. Looking back, I don’t think he’d seen Top Gun.

The funniest dream I’ve ever had …

That every man, woman and child will not be judged by the … oh, hang on. That was someone else’s.

The funniest number …

Nothing will beat the sight of elderly relatives (pre-pandemic) dancing at a wedding singing along to Summer of 69.

The funniest word …

Used sparingly and correctly, the “F” one can sprinkle joy and wonder where’er it goes. I also quite like “baboon”.

The funniest joke I’ve ever heard …

Boris Johnson saying: “This will all be over by Christmas,” last summer.

Jon Holmes’s series The Skewer is on Wednesdays, 11.15pm, Radio 4 and on BBC Sounds