‘The Plot’: The 7 most insane moments in Nadine Dorries’s tell-all

Dorries sets out her noble quest to expose the dark underbelly of Westminster which threatens the very fabric of democracy thus: “This is bigger than me. It’s bigger than the Tory party. It’s bigger than the government. And the people deserve to know the truth.”

That’s all very well, but you, dear City A.M. readers, deserve to know the seven most insane moments in this literary endeavour, which was all killer, no filler. Let us proceed.

1. The James Bond thing

For reasons that remain mysterious, James Bond plays a major part in this book. Every chapter is named after a Bond reference and Nancy Sinatra’s ‘You Only Live Twice’ is Dorries’s background music of choice as she trundles around Westminster in her chauffeur-driven car in search of “the truth”.

Most important, however, is Dr No, the shadowy figure who has been pulling the strings in Westminster for as long as anyone can remember, according to Dorries.

So what do we know about Dr No? Well, very little apart from that he’s shadowy, mysterious and unmistakably evil. And responsible for everything. Well, everything Michael Gove isn’t responsible for (more on that later). Oh and he’s old, naturally; he’s been controlling parliament since time immemorial.

The most notable detail given about Dr No, however, concerns the traditional villain origin story (being slighted by a girl) but with a lot more to disturb:

‘When a girlfriend ended their relationship, it is rumoured that he had her little brother’s pet rabbit chopped into four and nailed to the front door of the family home to greet him when he got home from school, in true Mafia style.’

Dorries on ‘Dr No’

2. All roads lead to Michael Gove

All roads lead to Rome? Think again. In the Dorries universe, all roads lead to Michael Gove, and that’s verbatim. For a while there was a risk of narrative inconsistency with this claim; after all, Dr No was supposed to be the puppet master. But Nadine clears this up for us.

‘You know all roads lead to Gove, don’t you?’ I said to Boris, not for the first time. ‘Cummings is Gove, Gove is Cummings. Smith is Gove and Gove is Smith. Dr No, he is everywhere and everyone. Whenever any of them are exposed, it’s Gove who dives straight in to protect them. He fights for them all’

Dorries on Gove

Gove was approached for comment.

3. Harry Potter, Cicero and Malory Towers

If you thought the James Bond references were hard to keep up with, hold onto your seats: the Nadine literary world is vast. Spanning from Cicero to Malory Towers, this book demands a learned reader.

Harry Potter also plays a larger part in parliament than anticipated, with Gove’s cronies allegedly reporting to a Whatsapp group called The Order of the Phoenix. Gove himself is compared to Voldemort.

‘I was reminded of the Govite ‘order of the phoenix’ Whatsapp group and my immediate thought was, did Gove think he was Voldermort, his own little dark lord?’

Dorries on Gove

Dominic Cummings is also allegedly known to his friends and foes alike as ‘the Dark Lord’ – which follows. Gove is Cummings and Cummings is Gove, as already explained. Duh.

Peter Mandelson, the infamous Prince of Darkness haunting the Tony Blair era, might well be left feeling jealous after having his throne gazumped by not one but two versions of Michael Gove.

4. Iain Duncan Smith’s blue eyes

Fans of Dorries’s oeuvre, who are used to considerably more romance, should not be disappointed with ‘The Plot’, which is, after all, one big love letter to forbidden workplace love.

There may be cause for some jealousy, however, with Iain Duncan Smith (or IDS, “as he’s known to almost everyone”) coming out as the unexpected heartthrob of this epic tale.

Chapter 5 ‘You Know My Name’ (aptly named with Duncan Smith one of the few named sources in this book) contains a lengthy interview with the former Conservative leader, who happily indulges Dorries’s conspiracies about Westminster. This is all very well, but IDS’s piercing eyes are by far the most striking part of this chapter.

‘He looked at me through narrowed bright-blue eyes. Not for the first time, I thought to myself, he was probably really quite good-looking in his day’

Dorries on Duncan Smith

Crucial to note is that this comment is completely irrelevant to everything else in the chapter.

5. Nadine takes her shoes off in meetings

This was really just a throwaway comment but I was left truly aghast.

“Do you mind?” I asked, as I pointed to my discarded shoes on the floor. I felt as though I’d been in enough meetings in this office in the past to earn the right. He may not have liked me, but I was sure after all these years, he understood where I was coming from.

Dorries interviewing Duncan Smith

6. This is Nadine’s 17th book

Yep that’s right, ‘The Plot’ is far from Dorries’s first attempt at fiction, with the former culture secretary already having 16 novels to her name.

“When writing a book, it is always an immense relief to write the words ‘the end’”, Dorries writes 195 pages into this misery, before describing the all-consuming nature of her writing.

‘I rapidly slip under the surface and it’s a tricky time for my family as I become slightly lost to them. My characters wake me in the night as I groggily turn on the bedside light and scribble down whatever words or lines they have woken me with…. Throughout the writing process, I’m distracted until I’m done’

Dorries on writing

That’s been on taxpayer money, by the way.

7. Nadine is actually pretty funny

A subtle writer Dorries is not, but she is damn amusing. The best lines – based on pure literary merit – are included below:

• Recalling an interview with a Truss insider: “She looks damaged. We both ordered a full English with cappuccinos.”

• On mastermind Michael Gove’s motivations: “There is no end game. It. Is. Just. A. Game.”

• Boris Johnson when Dorries tells him what she’s uncovered: “Well there’s no evidence for that, I suppose, but it’s a good theory when you think about it.”

• On male MPs: “We all know that almost every male MP in Westminster catches their reflection in the mirror and whispers back ‘Prime Minister’”.

• Speaking to a rat in the MPs smoking room: “You don’t scare me anymore,’ I said. ‘I’ve met bigger rats than you in this place.”